We put up walls. We put on an air. We try so hard to be something that we aren’t. We want people to like us for the image that we portray. We dare not share who we really are for fear they will not like what they see. The thought of being vulnerable is completely out of the question. We carry guilt and shame that nobody knows. Does this describe you in any way? First off, let me say, the words I just wrote describe me completely. I fear that if people knew what I thought, felt or did, they might not like me.
I fear that if people knew the real me they would run away. I am guessing that I am not alone. I have been sitting with these thoughts for a while now and I have come to realize a few things.
- In order for others to like me, I first have to like myself. The image that I portray is not the image that I really want people to see. I truly, down deep do want others to like me for me but I first have to be comfortable in my own skin. Until that time, I will continue to keep people at a distance and they may never experience the man that God created me to be. I may never experience the man God created me to be.
- When it comes right down to it, people don’t really want a fake you. When I look around at the people in my life they don’t love me for the things that I have or what I can or cannot do for them. They love me for who they know that I am capable of being. Yes, I can put on a front all day long but until I let my walls down and allow others to see inside my heart my life will not be complete.
- God put me on this earth to fill multiple assignments. He did not put me on this earth to be anybody but myself. I remember when I was a kid in elementary school I wanted so badly to by like a couple of the boys I hung out with at school. I wanted to write like Ryan, I wanted the cool frogger watch like Louie and I wanted to be in Boy Scouts because someone else was in it. Looking back, I spent so much time trying to be something I wasn’t and I never really got to enjoy being a child. It’s possible, well not just possible, its a fact that the same behavior has not changed as an adult. I have to become the man God created me to be.
God is teaching me at this very moment to be Scott D. Speight. He is teaching me to be quiet and still. He is teaching me that clarity emerges from the silence. I have contributed my lack of being able to be alone with myself for more than two or three minutes to the possibility of ADD (attention deficit disorder) but what I have come to learn, yes ADD may be a small part, it’s certainly not the biggest reason. What God is also teaching me is that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness. I believe we are all taught subconsciously that being vulnerable makes you weak but the truth is, when we see someone on a stage become vulnerable we see them as courageous. Why is it ok for them but not for us? Own your story, own your past, choosing not to live in it, rather to live in the present. In the moment. So, to end this I will be a little vulnerable with you by asking the question…. Could it be that I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror?